An individual’s sexual history consists of their sexual experiences, previous partners, sexual preferences, and uses of contraceptives, amongst other things. It’s important to discuss sexual history with a new sexual partner for a variety of reasons, mainly sexual health and safety. For example, if a new partner has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) that they have not disclosed, then your sexual health would be at-risk – even more so if protection such as condoms are not used.

Additionally, it’s important to discuss sexual history for those who have experienced sexual trauma, as certain aspects of sexual activity may be triggers for sexual distress. If one partner experiences sexual dysfunction, like anorgasmia or erectile dysfunction, this may be useful to discuss as well, because there may be certain actions a partner can take in order to make sure all parties feel supported, safe, and satisfied. Lastly, discussing sexual history can help new couples to bring up sexual preferences right away that may be more awkward to discuss later on in the relationship.

How To Talk About Sexual History with A Partner

1. Set the tone. Try to remain open and honest, listening and asking follow-up questions to further understand what your partner means, needs, and where their needs stem from. A 2021 study of sexual communication related to female sexual function found that more chances of having sexual needs satisfied may lead to better sexual outcomes. It also found that women who openly communicated about sexual likes and concerns reported higher levels of sexual desire. The more understanding and compassionate a partner is, the more likely they are to build trust and respect in the sexual relationship.
2. Prepare questions and talking points. Knowing where to start is often half the battle. If there are specific concerns, such as STIs and getting tested together, or concerns about triggers due to sexual trauma, this would be the most appropriate time to discuss these needs. Often, getting the most difficult topics out of the way at the beginning of a sexual relationship can lead to more open discussion later on. Other topics to discuss could include whether to keep the lights on or off, certain kinks you’ve found enjoyable in the past, if lubrication is needed, thoughts on contraception, areas of pleasure and what induces arousal, libido (sexual desire), and more.
3. Know the right language to use. Asking questions like, “What’s your body count?” may portray a sense of judgment that could shut the conversation down before it starts. More direct, clear, and concise language is suggested for the best outcome when discussing sexual history with a partner. For example, asking specific questions like, “Do you currently have any STIs?” or “Have you ever been tested for STIs?” uses appropriate, neutral language that leaves room for further discussion about testing and preferences for practicing safe sex. Additionally, statements like, “I struggle with blank (sexual dysfunction or trigger), so I need more patience with blank (sexual activity),” are a great way to express needs, while avoiding placing the full burden of management on yourself or your partner. This also leaves an opening for further discussion about sexual needs and desires.
4. Pause and reconvene at a separate time if needed. Those who are victims of sexual trauma may feel uncomfortable or triggered by certain topics that are necessary to discuss for a sexual history. The goal of this type of conversation is to open the door for further communication as the sexual relationship evolves and grows and preferences change.
5. Set boundaries in place for sexual activity. These may be related to sexual preferences, beliefs, triggers, or other emotional aspects. It’s important to set boundaries in sexual relationships so that everyone is on the same page and protecting the autonomy and safety of each partner. This would distinguish a “hard no,” something you will never try, from something you might be open to trying eventually, and what is okay as far as sexual activity goes. Using past experiences to inform current limits is an excellent way to protect your and your partner’s sexual health.

Conclusion

Discussing sexual history with a new partner can be awkward and uncomfortable, but avoiding the topic completely can put both you and your partner at higher risk for transmitting STIs and may cause problems for your relationship down the line. Knowing how to begin discussing sexual history and what to talk about can help to keep the conversation open over time. It’s important to discuss concerns for sexual health and past experiences that may impact your relationship with sexual activity. If you or your partner are struggling with your relationship to sexual activity or are having trouble coping with sexual trauma, it’s important to seek help from a mental health professional or sexual health professional.

References:

• Carey, E. (2020, November 10). Why talking about sex is a key life skill. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex-partner-communication#conversation-how-to
• Center for Disease Control. (2022, September). Discussing sexual health with your patients | CDC. HIV Nexus: CDC Resources for Clinicians. https://www.cdc.gov/hivnexus/media/pdfs/2024/04/cdc-lsht-prevention-brochure-clinicians-quick-guide-discussing-sexual-health-your-patients.pdf
• Cleveland Clinic. (2022, July 12). How to set healthy boundaries in relationships. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
• Cleveland Clinic. (2024, July 17). What is a sexual history? and why it’s important. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/sexual-history
• Falgares, G., Costanzo, G., Fontanesi, L., Verrocchio, M. C., Bin, F., & Marchetti, D. (2024). The role of sexual communication in the relationship between emotion regulation and sexual functioning in women: The impact of age and relationship status. International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology, 24(3), 100482. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijchp.2024.100482
• Sexual communication with a partner. Baylor College of Medicine. (n.d.). https://www.bcm.edu/research/research-centers/center-for-research-on-women-with-disabilities/a-to-z-directory/sexual-health/sexual-communication-with-a-partner
• Watson, L. J. (2022, January 3). How and why to talk about our sexual past. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/married-and-still-doing-it/202201/how-and-why-to-talk-about-our-sexual-past